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Listening to survivors shifts perspective. Dismant

Listening to survivors shifts perspective. Dismantles coincidence. Broadens worldviews.

Do the math of the #metoo and #churchtoo movements and it begins to be apparent how rampant SA is in churches. And it’s not because there are drag queens in Sunday School.

The commenters who jumped in to say they’d never heard of Fascinating Womanhood skipped over the content on the pages or any curiosity about a book they haven’t personally read. They skipped over missionaries to foreign lands, TV, Christian broadcasting, role models and example setting, the internet and social media. They skipped comments from survivors sharing how that book hurt them. And then a few of them pegged the point:

When women speak like children it’s a hallmark for abuse and trauma.

This is how the snake swallows its tail in a never ending cycle. Women trained to subject themselves, dress, sound, and act like children are as vulnerable as they were as children, which fosters an environment for systematic abuse to thrive, which allows cyclical, generational abuse to continue. But because they’re packaged in sweetness and innocence, everyone looks the other way. Abusers deflect attention elsewhere, no one looks towards the children, women become trapped in time, unheard and skipped over. And on and on it goes.

Want to change it? Listen to survivors. Speak with your grown up voice. Advocate for victims. Take children seriously. Become an environment inhospitable to suppression and abuse.

For more on the abuses in Christian Fundamentalism grab my free pdf the FUNDIE CHEATSHEET, link in bio @tialevingswriter

#fascinatingwomanhood #submission #childlike #dragqueens #religioustrauma #deconstruction #traumasurvivor #sasurvivor #sundayschool #voicetraining #vocalcoach

I’ve been thinking about why my informed opinion

I’ve been thinking about why my informed opinion about the impact of Fascinating Womanhood continues to attract resistant comments to the tune of “well I’ve never heard of that title, so the content isn’t as pervasive as you say.”

I thought last the obvious facts—that a one minute reel isn’t near long enough for a through review. That the world is big and diverse. That some denominations are more liturgical and academic, resisting antiquated patriarchal roles. When I meet one person who refuses curiosity, I move on. But when I meet a hundred non curious people who refuse to consider what harm has been done, I wonder what’s up.

Here’s my theory:

The less-obvious fact is that (I think) we’ve become conditioned to the overt, in your face, direct attribution. Subtlety gets lost. The patriarchs out front get the attention. The Bible study books with their weeks-long programs and outlines. The Sunday sermons. The big name preachers. The popular trends.

But the patriarchs’ “weaker” vessels work in subtlety, relegated to the quiet background. They’re good at silent activity, weekday coffee meetups, ladies meetings, private forums, social media lurking, mothering, mailrooms, basement bridal and baby showers, quiet example setting. They’re able to wield incredible influence as the neck that turns the head—and we hear this echoed in survivor stories, in “support ministries” run by wives, and in church culture in general. Pastors Wife is a designated role, often with a designated seminary track.

What I know from experience: they don’t cite sources. They’ll pass books and advice on the sly, in an effort to propagate their husband’s mission. But getting formal approval for a book from the elders or council, or revealing their secrets, or attracting attention is rarely going to happen.

What naysayers miss when they throw up their hands is the chance to listen and learn from those harmed. And the comments are full of those stories. But church goers, not taking survivors seriously, is the real and ongoing problem.

There’s more on Fascinating Womanhood in the highlights. Get my free pdf the FUNDIE CHEATSHEET, link in bio @tialevingswriter

#fascinatingwomanhood

Fascinating Womanhood is the kind of little paperb

Fascinating Womanhood is the kind of little paperback handed by one woman to another over coffee, while she cries about her ailing marriage. It was handed over the desk by pastors who didn’t know what to say to troubled women unable to change their abusive husbands. Used in Bible studies and Sunday school classes. Kept on nightstand tables. For over a decade it was quietly ubiquitous and as a result, influenced culture without direct attribution.

Sometimes I’ll hear from someone who takes issue with my use of the word “all” st the end. Then I ask them to tell me about their grandmother’s manners or dress code. Or her reading pile. The hallmarks are in style—see the first season of Mad Men. The Mormons used it extensively in the west, as did the southerners, as did Elizabeth Elliot’s crowd.

It did eventually fade in most circles, as books do and as religion changed. But Bill Gothard’s mother and sister are from the same era and shaped his views of what a woman should sound like, dress like, be like. The IBLP conferences are full of women who sound just like Michelle and fundie churches are as well. Chances are, if you have religious trauma, you’re only a few degrees separated from someone who read or was taught FW.

**added a highlight for more on how FW has had such a wide influence

For more on what it’s really like in Christian Fundamentalism, grab my free FUNDIE CHEATSHEET, link in bio @tialevingswriter

#duggars #19kids #19kidsandcounting #countingon #michelleduggar #jingervuolo #annaduggar #fundies #womanhood #biblicalwomanhood #quiverfull #religioustrauma #exevangelical #deconstruction #vocaltraining #voicetraining #tonepolicing

When we talk about cults and high control groups,

The worst choices in my life stemmed from low or r

The worst choices in my life stemmed from low or ruined self worth. Tracing the source back in therapy led to the identification of religious trauma and specially, Calvin’s doctrine of Total Depravity, a long with how it was taught in churches where I sought leadership, love, and comfort.

Most people can recognize we should not teach our children they’re worthless, disgusting, worms—and yet that was the morning Sunday Sunday school lesson. And that becomes the internal voice as well.

I took it in as an adult, able to intellectualize the teaching somewhat. But the breaking point came when I was expected to teach my sweet children they were depraved. I could not. I would not.

Healing has meant hearing from therapists that they’re stunned at how little self worth I had. How low my self image was. How damaged and paralyzed my survival instinct to prioritize myself and not self-betray was. For a long time, I defaulted to worthlessness. I had to externalize healing with motherhood first and then learn to offer that care, nurturing, and reflection of worth to myself.

Calvinism is dark logic. The T in TULIP rots the core, so that even as adherents excel, they can’t see their growth and value, and instead self-flagellate, deprecate, and grovel.

You deserve to heal. You are good, you are worthy to be loved, you are loved.

To get more on what it’s really like in Christian Fundamentalism grab my free pdf the FUNDIE CHEATSHEET, link in bio.

#tulip #totaldepravity #whatitsreallylike #religioustrauma #calvinism #reformedtheology #crec #pca #jingerduggar #jingervuolo #freeindeed #exevangelical #deconstruction #misogyny

Why Calvinism? Because I was starving. Evangelical

Why Calvinism? Because I was starving. Evangelical culture had become hollow, a Sunday routine I’d followed from childhood reciting scripture I knew in my sleep. And the Gothard IBLP culture had led to lifestyle burnout. What I hungered for was was knowledge. History. Books. Education. Intellectualism. Answers.

I needed answers because life swirled with questions, insecurities and fears. The catechism’s rhythms and firm landings offered relief. And the reformers had smart heroes and stories rich with allegory, unafraid of magic. It was thrilling to move from the IBLP’s ugly plain materials to CS Lewis and Narnia! As a homeschooling mother who wanted to surround her kids with the humanities and liberal arts, classical education became an avenue.

I didn’t realize the darkness creeping around us. The saturation of psychological torture of such twisted theology and the impact it would have on my mentally-struggling spouse. I followed his lead and it lead to a swamp of despair that almost killed us all.

If you watched the TULIP reels with horror or confusion, or think the theology presented in Jinger’s book Becoming Free Indeed is exciting…both are true. I have no doubt at all that MacArthur’s reformed theology feels like freedom to her. Nor do I deny the horror it leads to. But it’s an avenue, and paths lead to something ahead. I didn’t stop there—I fought to survive. I hope she doesn’t have to.

To get more on the realities of Christian Fundamentalism and what it’s like behind the scenes grab my free pdf the FUNDIE CHEATSHEET, link in bio.

#reformedtheology #becomingfreeindeed #gracecommunitychurch #johnmacarthur #westminstercatechism #classicalhomeschool #classicalconversations #religioustrauma #religioustraumasyndrome #exevangelical #intellectual #intellectualism #lovelearning #cslewis #lionwitchwardrobe #traumahealing #psychologicalabuse #spiritualabuse #tulip

In sharing this album and how much it’s speaking

In sharing this album and how much it’s speaking to me right now, I want to first caveat that Jordan Klassen’s work is new to me and I’m not familiar with his personal history or journey. But a friend shared Glossolalia with me this week, and as news of the Asbury revival flowed and brought up so many memories and emotions, I found refuge in these songs.

Revival is the hope for every weary sojourner. The thirst to rekindle the emotional highs of first conversion, and see a healing movement sweep across a disturbed, unstable landscape, drives you to get up in the dark night in search of living water. To hear of it happening anywhere is hope.

The reality for sojourners who’ve deconstructed beliefs that led to torment and heartache, is that the water of revival never truly quenches that thirst. It’s manufactured. Or manipulated. Used to covert and instill high control behavior. It’s a facade.

And yet, as trauma survivors know all too well, the hope never completely goes away. Maybe love will win. Maybe that’s what this is. Maybe we are called. Maybe this time will be different.

I’ve had Carried Away on repeat because it’s soothing my tear streaked face with cool water. Gentle realities. The wisdom in remaining grounded, in not being carried away. I have no idea if Klassen has deconstructed but I can tell he understands shadows. His website says Glossolalia is a lyrical essay, of longing for change but trying to be realistic for change as well. We do not get there by being swept away with abandon.

Follow to learn more about the realities of Christian Fundamentalism and what’s it’s like to live in—and escape from—high control religion.

#asburyrevival #revival #deconstruction #faithjourney #religioustrauma #traumahealing #grounded #survivorstories #folkalbum #jordanklassen #emotionalism #lyrics

It was self-betraying to continue arguing theology

It was self-betraying to continue arguing theology, desperate to feel heard, and there came a day when I couldn’t bear it anymore. For my spirit to survive, the conflict had to stop, and that included acquiescence and surrender.

I couldn’t take one more catechism drill. One more debate about Arminianism versus Calvinism. One more predestination or double predestination grandstand. One more argument over classical homeschooling and how the Bible should be read in its orginal Greek.

I craved peace.

I was stood in the yard where I lived, staring at the black walnut tree, when I decided to try something else. Not Résistance. Not Surrender. I chose myself. My peace. My sanity. I set down the tug of war rope and refused to engage. Years later, when podcasts came out, I heard Rob Bell describe what I’d done as the “third way.” It was a moment of realizing there was a life of light and freedom possible, if only I was willing to reach out and try.

To see what I was leaving in high control religion grab my free pdf the FUNDIE CHEATSHEET, link in bio.

#religioustrauma #reformedtheology #calvinists #classicalconversations #exevangelical #deconstructingfaith #robbell #thirdway #selfbetrayal #traumahealing #letgoandletgod

I really feel for the “not all” people. It’s

I really feel for the “not all” people. It’s incredibly hard to sit in the discomfort that your faith tradition is complicit. That someone or something you take comfort in is responsible for another’s trauma. That a beloved practice has manipulative roots. That a trusted institution resists accountability. It’s hard. I get it.

But I’ve yet to encounter a group without a representative survivor. And the idea of quantifying abuse is tricky. How many is too many? What’s the tipping point for change? What good is separating the individual from the lump when the label describes both of them?

At the end of the day, I don’t consider it my business if there are exceptions. My focus is on the survivors. If you want to cry “not all” then please, use your good fortune to help others. Be the change. Impact your lump so that survivors can see a difference themselves. They’re starving for it.

To get more on what it’s really like in Christian Fundamentalism grab my free pdf the FUNDIE CHEATSHEET, link in bio @tialevingswriter

#keepsweet #awelltrainedwife #19kids #19kidsandcounting #duggars #religioustrauma #deconstruction #notall #notallmen #notallchristians #exevangelical #culty #cultish #alittlebitculty #exception #exmo #flds #tradcatholic #catholic #fundies

I boarded the train for Haselmere at Oxford, Engla

I boarded the train for Haselmere at Oxford, England. I was at the station early enough to whisper to morning pigeons, coffee in hand. How am I here? Tia in Oxford, England wasn’t on my 2023 Bingo card a month ago. And yet, here I was, sitting on a station platform, flicking bits of croissant at an eager pigeon giving me side eye.

There’s a reason why I was able to pack it all up and go find myself in travel. There are actually several reasons. But the catalyst that severed the tender thread holding me home was the third vacancy, and like the two before it, I hadn’t seen it coming…..

(To keep reading, sign up for IF BY SEA, my free serial travelogue. Link in bio.)

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12 chapters, 4 countries, over 3 months. Additional thoughts and photos will be in A Different Communion, my Patreon group.

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